If You Want to Lose Weight, You Are Probably Focusing on the Wrong Thing: Why Weight-loss Cannot be the Goal.

WE'VE GOTTA STOP OUTSOURCING SELF-WORTH, TOGETHER! 

Here's the deal with weight-loss and scales: There is absolutely no number on the scale that will result in, "Yep, we got it, we hit the mark, now we are done dieting, trying the next “lose weight quick” trick, restricting, bingeing, purging, over exercising, taking laxatives, etc.  We have arrived." Whether you are struggling with an active eating disorder, in recovery from an eating disorder, or have body issues that result in yo-yo dieting, or have body image issues that result in (fill in the blank); it is unlikely there will be much benefit in utilizing your scale under the influence of said body image issues. In other words, go home you’re drunk.

Here's Why:

1. Body Image and weight loss are moving targets: Once you hit one, the target changes or moves. One day the goal is weight-loss, another day tighter abs, then more weight-loss, then a juice cleanse for detoxing and/or more weight-loss, and then tighter abs again. You get it, the dissatisfaction with self goes on and on, it morphs into something else, and the stakes are high- your self-acceptance and self-worth are on the line.
2. Shame as a motivator: The good ole’ “I’ll teach myself not to do that again” weigh-in.  This is the morning after weigh-in, it’s purpose is to see the damage or be surprised by the lack thereof, and then dictate how you will eat, exercise and feel about yourself for the rest of the day, week, or month.
3. Weigh-ins Activate Eating Disordered Thinking: if you are down a few pounds the mind starts racing about what you did this week and how to replicate it for next week and until the end of time.  If you are up a few pounds your mind starts racing about what factors impacted the gains, shame about the gains, and plans to rectify the situation. Whatever the number the obsessive thoughts are not effective or useful, period.
4. The Weight Watchers Effect (WWE): People who have ever been to weight watchers describe being in a constant state of robbing Peter to pay Paul, the restricting before the weigh-in and then the bingeing after the weigh-in.  Once you weigh-in you then have the rest of the week to restrict and get back down to your goal weight for your next weigh-in. This cycle is not sustainable for obvious reasons. Also, enough with this hamster wheel, people deserve to be free from this endless cycle.
5. It Doesn’t work:  Bingeing and restricting adhere to a very specific formula, every binge ultimately leads to a restriction and every restriction leads to a binge.  And on we go. The weighing and weight loss focus is a symptom of this formula. The bottom line is that it doesn’t work, there is a saying in eating disorder recovery, “Focus on the weight, lose the recovery; focus on the recovery, lose the weight.”

Now What:

Eating Disorder therapists often use blind weights or weigh-ins to refer to the act of weighing someone and not disclosing the number on the scale, this is to decrease obsession with weight and decrease anxiety associated with weight gain. The number can’t impact you if you don’t know what it is.  Blind weighing is also useful in eating disorder recovery because it keeps you in the present moment. When the focus isn’t on the number on the scale, we can focus on the more important things like, your recovery and the life you are building.

A big variable in eating disorder treatment is control, trusting your therapist with the weight is exposure to balancing a long-term recovery challenge of trust and control. I tell my clients, “I’ve got it,” my eye on the progress AND their back. I treated a guy years ago who lost over 100 pounds, when his treatment ended he said, "I don’t think I would have lost all my weight if every week I had to think about my ups and downs."  If he knew he was up .5 pounds, down 2 pounds, up 4 pounds, down 2 pounds, etc. it likely would have created huge obstacles in his progress. It causes too much anxiety and distorted thinking (see above). Blind weights take one symptom off the table which can lead to significantly less obsessive thinking and preoccupation with the weight.

The number on the scale is outsourcing self-worth, without the number we learn to find other indicators to determine how we are doing.  As a therapist, I am not thrown by the fluctuations, I am not attached to the number, I am in the business of recovery.  We focus on the recovery and let weight loss be an outcome rather than a goal. Yes, you will lose weight when you stop bingeing, purging, over exercise, etc.; yes, you will gain weight when you stop restricting, over exercising. Yes, it will be difficult. Yes, it will be really hard at times. No, it will not be as painful and difficult as being in an active eating disorder. Full recovery is possible, I am lucky enough to see people transform and build lives free from the grips of their eating disorders everyday.

To My “Yeah But, Naysayers”

There are a few, very rare occasions, when I find weight to be effective metric in eating disorder treatment.  There is a reality testing component that is effective in helping to manage body dysmorphia and distorted perception of self. Meaning after an extended period being disconnected from the way one’s body actually is in reality, knowing one's weight can help keep the recovery and the eating disorder grounded in reality, in real time. The other time is when a client and I contract around them allowing me to weigh them in return for them agreeing not to obsessively weigh themselves at home.  I make a commitment to tell them if their weight fluctuates more than 5 pounds in either direction. Other than that, weight and scales really don’t have much utility in eating disorder recovery.

Other Self-Worth Metrics to Focus on:

1. How you feel: how are you feeling about yourself? Your recovery?
2. How are you doing: what are your recovery behaviors? What is different about your life today?
3. Do you feel connected to others and yourself? Do you notice moments of feeling more at peace with yourself?
4. Do you have energy? Are you sleeping better? Do you have more self-esteem?

If you are struggling with an eating disorder call NEDA Helpline at (800) 931-2237 and get connected with resources, services, and eating disorder specialists in your area. You are not alone.

FIGHT BACK! Self Invalidation: a Subtle, Pervasive Form of Self Abuse

                                             Self, STOP YELLING!

Validation is defined as “the act of making or declaring something officially acceptable; or recognition/affirmation that a person, their feelings, or opinions are worthwhile.”  In Dialectical Behavioral Therapy it is the acknowledgment of another's experience and feelings as having causes and therefore being understandable.  In other words, validation is: that makes sense, YOU make sense; I see you.  

A very common challenge I see everyday, is identifying and then challenging self invalidation. Very simply stated self invalidation is: “I don’t make sense, I shouldn’t be feeling this way. Who I am, the way I am is unacceptable to me.” Identifying self invalidation is very difficult because it is so much a part of people's common self talk track and therefore is syntonic in their minds.  These thoughts are passing through without getting flagged, questioned or challenged.  The long term effects of self invalidation is shame.

Self invalidation looks like; “Why am I having such a hard time, I don’t know what my deal is.” Or as I like to tout, basically any sentence starting with “I need to just,” or “I should  just,” these sentences infer that if one was trying harder or took a simple action then everything would be different. This is almost never true, usually when we struggle it’s because something is getting in the damn way. The notion that we need to just try harder is an American myth. When folks really want something in their lives to be different and they are trying to make it so, the answer is not they aren’t trying hard enough, the answer is something is wrong.

Validation is an emotion regulation tool. To say, “of course I feel overwhelmed, this is overwhelming!” Can decrease distress and dysregulation.  Whereas invalidation increases distress, dysregulation, and isolation.

 HOW TO FIGHT BACK:

1. Observe your self talk: Are you very self critical, judgmental, or place unrealistic expectations on yourself?
2. Recognize and label invalidation: “I should” or “I need to just” are clues that something invalidating is about to follow.
3. Replace: The invalidating thought or statement with a question. Be curious. Just because you may not understand why something is happening doesn’t mean it isn’t valid. Try to make sense of it. You know yourself, your history, your belief system, there is always a reason we experience the world in the way that we do.  
4. Be Gentle: You are doing the best you can. Change, progress, and forward movement are not possible in a judgmental, abusive mind. 
5. Pass it on: Notice invalidation in your friends and family, encourage them to be mindful of their invalidating comments. Then you can fight back together, and support each other.  

Alone, Together: 7 Tips on Coping with Trauma and the #MeToo News Cycle

7 Self-Care Tips to Cope and Heal Together with #MeToo:  Feel - Deal - Heal                               Find your Tribe, Love Them Hard.

1. Limited Exposure: We cannot control A LOT of things, but we can choose how we engage. It is difficult when trauma symptoms arise not to behave in impulsive ways and react in the moment. Set aside a social media time, give yourself a time limit and stick to it. Then when it is not the allotted social media time, you are on a social media break. Stick to it. Feelings fade over time, if they are not re-stimulated. Think of every time you read an article, repeat a story, engage in conversation as re-firing. It is important to talk about it, and it is important to protect yourself.
2. Safe People: Shame depends on you subscribing to the belief that you are alone, don't be alone with this. Safety is greatly impacted by exposure to traumatic events. Be mindful of how you feel around certain people, if people are judging you or telling you that you are overreacting, they are not your people right now. Everyone has a different experience, and you are the only expert on your experience. Surround yourself with people who are supportive and validating. Connect with others who can relate with your experience, identification and "me too" conversations are some of the most healing and validating experiences.
3. Therapy: There are many incredible therapies and therapists who specialize in trauma treatment. These modalities include: Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing (EMDR), Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Prolonged Exposure (PE), Neurofeedback, and Emotional Freedom Techniques also known as Tapping (EFT). Therapy can be a great resource for working through trauma and also a space to reality test and validate the rollercoaster of emotions you are feeling. Make sure you find a therapist who specializes in the treatment of trauma.
4. Self-Care Plan: Have a plan. We often call them "coping kits" in my office. Three things you can do when you feel overwhelmed by emotions. Know what those three things are before you are overwhelmed by emotions. The tricky thing about traumatic memories is when they are activated it feels like it is happening right now, in this very moment. The part of your brain that does the thinking shuts down and you are in fight/flight/freeze. Trying to be skillful in the middle of a trauma response, is like trying to do your taxes while you are being chased by a bear. By mapping out the plan in advance, you don't have to think in these moments, you can just act.
5. The More You Know, Knowledge is Power: As a trauma therapist, the first order of business is psychoeducation. It is incredibly validating to understand why and where some of your experiences come from and that they are neurobiologically indicated and normal responses to trauma. Learning about the impact of trauma on your brain and therefore your behavior can be very shame reducing for people who are having a lot of judgments and feeling critical of themselves. My favorite book is The Body Keeps the Score, By Bessel van der Kolk who is a clinician, researcher, and trauma expert. Here are a couple more Trauma reads.
6. Non-judgment and Self Compassion: You are doing the best you can. Trauma is not rational, be gentle with yourself and others. If you need to change the expectations of your functioning for a few days, DO. Do less, be easy, get what you need. Your healing isn't linear.
7. Own it, this is your story and your life: Figure out a way to reclaim the traumatic experience. Shame exists in isolation, and then begets more and more shame. Brene' Brown says, “The less you talk about it, the more you got it. Shame needs three things to grow exponentially in our lives: secrecy, silence, and judgment.” Speak the shame, tell your story and get reality testing from people you trust. This can be in therapy, rewriting the narrative and meaning, joining an action focused group or ally ship for survivors, writing about your experience, etc. There is not one-size fits all approach here, you have to find what works for you and then own it. You are not alone and you are a survivor.

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4 Tips on Positive Visualization: Crossfit for Your Mind

How to train your brain and reclaim the present moment

Life is a Brain Game. Our brains cannot tell the difference between reality and what we imagine reality to be. What we think or the story we are telling ourselves about what is going on in any given situation is what activates our emotions and reactions. Most of the time emotional dysregulation is the product of our thinking rather than the product of our reality. Let’s train our brains to be better gatekeepers by not allowing our fear, shame, and distortions in to hijack our reality.

In a study published in 1995, called Modulation of muscle responses evoked by transcranial magnetic stimulation during the acquisition of new fine motor skills with 3 groups of volunteers. One group was given a simple sequence of music to practice on the piano for five consecutive days, while a second group was given the same piece of music and asked to imagine practicing the music on the piano for five consecutive days. The third group of volunteers did a hard hang and didn't think about or play any real or imagined pianos. Each group member had their brains scanned every day, the results clearly depicted that the first two groups had almost identical brain activity (shown above) where the third group of volunteers had no activity.

What we imagine, or the story we tell ourselves about our life situation, our beliefs about who we are, and the way we think about ourselves creates our reality. Think about this for a second. Our brains can't tell the difference between something we are thinking about and something that is actually happening. That is so wild! Lisa Feldman Barett, a neuroscientist at North Eastern University, and author of How Emotions are Made suggests that emotions are not objective states of being that are consistent across all people, rather something we learn and our brains construct. Our brains drive most of the physiological, emotional, and behavioral domains which pretty much means they are the hub for processing all our human experiences. My brain can imagine there is danger and then my body produces cortisol, adrenaline, and other psychological symptoms associated with the fight or flight response in the same way it would if there were an actual lion chasing me (maybe not the same, but close).

On one hand, I'm like “Hey brain, you're so primitive and basic, be better at discernment and life please.” On the other hand, if we all knew this and challenged our realities more by visualizing positive experiences and planning on things going well instead of worrying, this can be a huge window for intervention and change. What we believe to be true about ourselves, real or imagined is the same as far as our brains are concerned. So, what if we started training our brains to focus on more positives or heck, even neutrals? We will have to practice a lot and it will not be easy.

4 Steps to training our brains to be better gatekeepers:

1. Be mindful of your language: The actual words you use, paying special attention to “can’t”, “never”, and “always”. Your brain doesn't know when you are exaggerating or awfulizing. Use nonjudgmental language about yourself and others.
2. Stick to facts: What do you know to be objectively true. Focus on evidence instead of fear or shame stories, identifying in the moment, “What is the story I am telling myself about?” Look at the story like you are a detective and fact check it. I have clients who will tell me the story and then we will sit for a second together in silence, we don’t even have to do anything else, because they smile at me with a knowing glance and say, “No, I don’t have any evidence and now that I hear it out loud it doesn’t sound as true.” Sometimes they say swear words too.
3. No labeling: When thinking about yourself or something you want to work on or change, stay away from labeling yourself, "I am late to work because I am lazy," or "I just don't care enough to change this." Your brain is like "Yep, welp- there's that," and then we are STUCK. Using language like "It is really difficult for me in the morning," and "I am really struggling with why I don't seem to be able to change this,” leaves room for problem solving.
4. Check your thoughts at the gate: You are the gatekeeper! It is like having a fancy guest list, don't just let any thoughts in. Where did this message come from? Who's voice is this? Is that objectively true, and what's the evidence? What else is true? So much of how we operate comes from false core beliefs. We are wired to create certainty or confabulate in the face of uncertainty. Be #curious and #gentle with yourself, don't let your thoughts pretend to be you!

Throw Some Skills At It! What to do when your #Motivation Monday is more of a #MehMonday

Before We Make it Worse, Just For Fun: Throw Some Skills At It!

When #MotivationMonday is more like #Meh Monday

Jumping into Monday like... sike! It's ️ and dreary af, it's Monday, and I'm over here like "what weekend?!?" Before you start judging yourself and comparing your life to someone else's on social media #throwsomeskills at it! We can practice #actingasif and #oppositeaction

Step 1. Acceptance: "This is happening" Demanding that we feel differently than we do doesn't work!

Step 2: Non-judgement: Should is an asshole, no FIOing (Figure It Out) Figure it out is not a skill. When thoughts like "I shouldn't feel this way" or "what's my deal?" say something like "no thank you!"

Step 3. Self Validate: It makes sense that I would be feeling this way, it is Monday after all. I am tired, overwhelmed, anxious, mad at a friend, frustrated with my parnter - pick one and validate yourself!

Step 4. Decide you are going to be in control of your experience, you get to choose skills over discomfort.

Step 5: Acting as if or Opposite action. Both these amazing skills are worthy of their own blog so forgive the oversimplification here for the purpose of efficency and relevancy.

• ACTING AS IF: I don't actually feel this way but I am going to act as if since feelings aren't facts and my feelings don't have to rule my life and actions. Pro Tip: I like to think about characters that I can embody to activate a certian POV or approach to life. i.e I am Oprah, I am going to approach this day like Oprah is driving. (Oprah crushes it on Mondays btw)
• OPPOSITE ACTION: Identifying the emotions state you are in and then acting opposite to it. i.e I'm not going to work, nah, do it- go to work. I am going to cancel my lunch plans, nah, do it- go to lunch. Similar to acting as if. You are using the skill of acting your way into feeling better, this is sometimes hard because you have to do it all the way, you can't half-ass opposite action or it doesn't work. If you are struggling with this return to Step 4.