How to Stop Making It Worse: 3 Simple Tools if You Are Down Bad.

Ever notice how when you're feeling down, your brain starts whispering these tempting (but totally unhelpful) ideas? Like, "Ugh, everyone's probably having a blast on Friday night... except me. Better disappear into a social media vortex for a few hours to confirm!"

Or maybe it's the urge to isolate, canceling plans and burrowing under the covers with your thoughts. The thing I find surprisingly unhelpful is trying to fix it all right then.  Trying to solve for our emotions or difficulties often makes things worse. The main reason for this is that we don't see ourselves or our problems clearly when we're in a dysregulated state. As I tell my clients, your emotional mind is not the place to put your entire life up for review.

Why are we like this? Because these urges are strong. Many of us struggle with vulnerability, resist asking for help, or lack effective coping mechanisms. When starting therapy with a new client, I aim to simplify skills as much as possible. This often means advising them to "do the opposite of what you usually do, or what you want to do in the moment."

This initial approach provides a clear and effective starting point. Over time, as clients become more comfortable and skilled, the strategies become more nuanced. Often, we find that the best solutions lie somewhere in the middle. The pendulum swings from one extreme to the other before settling into a balanced, effective approach. This process helps clients understand their behaviors and needs more deeply, setting the stage for long-term growth and healing.

Here's the good news: Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), teaches us to notice these urges to make things worse, and then do the opposite action.

Here are 3 powerful tools to fight back against depressed mood and the urge to make our situation worse:

1. Connect, Don't Isolate: Loneliness is depression's best friend. Reach out to a friend, family member, therapist (me!), anyone who makes you feel supported. Even a quick coffee date or phone call can break the isolation cycle and boost your mood. Reminding yourself you're not alone, by literally not being alone.

2. Chill on the Thinking: Sometimes, our brains go into overdrive when we're dysregulated. We overthink, analyze, and try to solve every problem at once. This mental marathon with urgency and intensity just leads to more overwhelm. Take a vacation from the intense thinking! Watch a funny movie, read a lighthearted book, or do some mindless doodling. Go for a walk, do paced breathing or other emotion regulation skills.

3. Ditch the Phone (Unless It's for Connection!): Social media can be a major bummer magnet. Seeing everyone's perfectly curated online lives can make us feel even worse about ourselves. Put the phone down and resist the urge to compare your insides to other people's outsides. (Spoiler alert: I've never seen this not work to increase someone's mood!)

Remember, we all struggle with low moods sometimes. If you don't know how to make it better, just don't make it worse.  If you need extra support, don't hesitate to reach out! I'm taking on new clients for the first time in 3 years, so reach out – I'd love to help!

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What To Do, When You Don't Know What To Do...

Sometimes, nothing is the best something you can do...

And other times, when you are stuck or feeling paralyzed by the overwhelm of what’s next, the best thing you can do is something, anything.  And that’s why life is hard. The most important part of being skillful and using skills, is remembering there are skills when you need them and then being willing to reach for them at the time when they can be useful to you. Dysregulation makes it incredibly more challenging to use skills or feel willing or open in these times of heightened stress when our minds narrow and become increasingly less flexible or thoughtful.  This four part formula can help you know what to do, when you don’t know what to do.

What to do when you don’t know what to do:

1. Stop. First, stop for min- pause, slow down your breath.  What is happening right now? Be curious and non-judgmental of yourself.   Say something like: “This is hard for me; I am struggling right now.” Start to slow narrate what is happening, just the facts and staying away from any “always/never” language.
2. Engage in a down regulating exercise: The first task when dysregulated is to get (more) regulated.

5-4-3-2-1 Grounding Technique:

• Focus on your breath: Take 5 slow, deep breaths through your nose, filling your belly with air and feeling it expand. Exhale slowly through your mouth, feeling your belly deflate.
• Engage your senses: Look around and name 5 things you see (a chair, a window, etc.). Then, name 4 things you can touch (your clothing, the floor, a cold glass etc.). Next, name 3 things you can hear (traffic, birds, etc.). Finally, name 2 things you can smell (if safe to do so) and 1 thing you can taste (mint, gum, something sour like sour candy!).

Box Breathing:

• Sit comfortably and close your eyes (or lower gaze).
• Inhale slowly through your nose for a count of 4.
• Hold your breath for a count of 4.
• Exhale slowly through your mouth for a count of 4.
• Hold your breath out for a count of 4.
• Repeat for several minutes.

Progressive Muscle Relaxation (Hand Version):

• Sit comfortably with your arms relaxed at your sides.
• Clench your fists tightly for a count of 5, feeling the tension in your forearms and hands.
• Release your fists slowly and completely, focusing on the relaxation for a count of 5.
• Repeat this process two more times.
• Next, tense your forearms (without clenching fists) for a count of 5, then release slowly for a count of 5. Repeat twice.
• Work your way up your arms, tensing and releasing different muscle groups for a count of 5 each.

Tapping (Emotional Freedom Technique - EFT):

• Identify a specific issue or emotion you want to address (e.g., "I feel overwhelmed”).
• Rate the intensity of that emotion on a scale of 0 (not at all) to 10 (extremely).
• While tapping firmly but gently on the "Karate Chop" point (on the side of your hand, just below the little finger) say the setup statement: "Even though I feel (intense emotion), I deeply and completely accept myself."
• Tap 5 times each on the following acupressure points while repeating a shortened reminder phrase that describes the issue:
  1. Eyebrow: (Emotion) - "Overwhelmed by urge to act impulsively "
  2. Temple: (Emotion) - "Overwhelmed by urge to act impulsively "
  3. Under Eye: (Emotion) - "Overwhelmed by urge to act impulsively "
  4. Bridge of Nose: (Emotion) - "Overwhelmed by urge to act impulsively"
  5. Chin: (Emotion) - "Overwhelmed by urge to act impulsively "
  6. Collarbone: (Emotion) - "Overwhelmed by urge to binge"
  7. Underarm: (Emotion) - "Overwhelmed by urge to act impulsively "
  8. Top of Head: (Emotion) - "Overwhelmed by urge to act impulsively "
• After tapping through the points, take a deep breath and re-evaluate the intensity of your emotion. Repeat the tapping sequence if needed until you feel a noticeable shift.

6. Modified Face Plunge for Emotional Cooling:

• Fill a bowl with cool water (not ice cold).
• Take a deep breath and hold it.
• Quickly dunk your face (eyes closed!) into the cool water for 10-20 seconds.
• Come up for air and exhale slowly.

1. Now come back to the problem. What am I dealing with? Is this a right now problem? (meaning time sensitive and needs to be addressed today?) if so, say, “I can be intentional without being frantic.” What is the next thing that needs to happen? Work through the problem step by step, think about who you can ask for help, or check in with after you have completed the task at hand.  
2. If the problem is not a today problem, meaning you can hold off on acting and circle back. Then go back to your originally planned day.  Dysregulation gets less and less as time passes, engage in low emotional lifts for the rest of the day and come back to it tomorrow. Remember being skillful and pushing something off until you are more regulated and can be more effective in dealing with it is NOT avoidance.

 Follow @meghanbreentherapy for more mental health tips from a therapist.

Surviving the Holidays: A Three-Step Guide to a Mindful, Effective Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving, a day often centered around feasting and family, can pose challenges for those with eating disorders or anyone striving for a more intentional celebration. Here's a concise three-step guide to help you navigate the holiday with grace and self-compassion. 

We need an anchor, a mantra, and an exit strategy. Family and holidays are T-O-U-G-H! We got this.

1. Anchor Your Intentions: Establish a firm anchor, a guiding principle that keeps you aligned with your endgame. Think of it as your North Star, steering you back to your goals when faced with holiday temptations. Whether it's a specific eating plan, a commitment to self-care, or a focus on meaningful connection, let this anchor be your steadfast guide. This is your overall objective; how do I want to feel at the end of this? What do I want to prioritize? Who and how to I want to show up?

2. Embrace a Mantra: You know I love a good mantra for getting and staying skillful. Connect your anchor with a mantra—a short, powerful phrase that brings you back to the present moment. This mantra should resonate with your intentions for the holiday, reinforcing your commitment and mindfulness. When faced with challenges, repeat your mantra to ground yourself and stay the course. People are going to say things that may throw you, ask about something that may be triggering, politics, and general discomfort will arise. Family and holidays are T-O-U-G-H! Your Mantra is your grounding force evoking your highest self, and most important intention.  

3. Have an Exit Strategy: Acknowledge that, despite the best plans, we can't control every aspect of the holiday gathering. Have a clear exit strategy in case things take an unexpected turn. This could mean excusing yourself for a moment of solitude, reaching out to a supportive friend, or simply taking a breather to recalibrate. An exit strategy provides a safety net, allowing you to maintain control over your well-being. The most important reason we have an exit strategy is to give us agency and ownership over our experience. 

Putting It Into Practice:

• Anchor: Define your non-negotiables and recovery behaviors. Decide in advance what conversations, topics, foods and behaviors you will and won't indulge in. Having a plan beforehand ensures you're not making impulsive decisions in the moment. 
• Mantra: Develop a simple, empowering mantra connected to your anchor. For example, "I am in control of my choices" or “I can handle this” or "Nourishing my body is an act of self-love." Repeat it as needed to reinforce your commitment.
• Exit Strategy: Plan your response for unexpected challenges. Whether it's a quick walk outside, a moment of deep breathing, a call to a trusted friend, an exit strategy allows you to regroup and stay true to your intentions. 

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Cultivating Self-Compassion: A Guide to Embracing Your Imperfections

Are you feeling the weight of the world on your shoulders, the pressure of perfectionism, and the relentless demand to keep up in today's fast-paced, ever-changing world? You're not alone. It's okay to acknowledge that life can be hard, and sometimes, we're our harshest critics. In this blog post, we'll delve into the concept of self-compassion and explore practical practices to start incorporating into your daily life, today. This series offers practical, daily skills to help harness some of the most effective self care practices. Sign up for my newsletter to get pinged when there are new skills to learn and practice!

Understanding Self-Compassion

Self-compassion, in its essence, is about treating yourself with the same kindness, care, and understanding that you would offer to a good friend. Being kind to ourselves, *especially* when we have made mistakes, feel shame, or harsh criticism. It involves recognizing your own suffering, acknowledging your imperfections, and embracing your humanity. Dr. Kristin Neff, a pioneering researcher in self-compassion, outlines three core tenets of self-compassion:

1. Self-Kindness: This means being warm, understanding, and forgiving toward yourself when you make mistakes or face challenges. Instead of harsh self-criticism, offer yourself the same gentle words you'd offer a friend in a similar situation.

2. Common Humanity: Realize that you are not alone in your struggles. Every person faces difficulties and imperfections in life; it's a shared human experience. By acknowledging this, you can feel more connected to others. This is also level 5 validation which says, "anyone experiencing what I am would be handling it similarly to this."

3. Mindfulness: Practice self-compassion by being mindful of your emotions and experiences. Be present with your feelings and thoughts without judgment. This allows you to step back from negative emotions and view them with greater clarity. Separate your narratives and fears from the moment you are in and view yourself with a beginners mind.

Practical Practice: The Self-Compassion Letter

Now that you have a grasp of the core principles of self-compassion, let's explore a practical exercise to start incorporating into your daily life. This practice is known as the "Self-Compassion Letter."

Steps to Writing a Self-Compassion Letter:

Find a Quiet Space: Choose a quiet, comfortable place where you won't be interrupted.

Begin with Mindfulness: Close your eyes and take a few deep breaths. Focus on your emotions and thoughts in the present moment. Allow any negative feelings to surface without judgment.

Write to Yourself: Address a letter to yourself, as if you were writing to a dear friend who is experiencing the same challenges or feelings you are. Start with a compassionate and understanding tone.

Acknowledge Pain: Describe the specific difficulties you are facing, and acknowledge your suffering. Use kind and validating language to express your feelings.

Offer Comfort and Understanding: In your letter, respond to your own pain as if you were consoling a friend. Emphasize self-kindness and empathy. Remind yourself that it's okay to make mistakes and have imperfections, just like everyone else.

Common Humanity: Highlight the shared human experience. Recognize that you are not alone in your struggles, and many others face similar challenges.

Forgive and Let Go: Offer forgiveness to yourself and let go of any self-criticism or judgment. Reiterate your support and understanding.

End with Gratitude: Conclude your letter with words of self-love and gratitude. Express appreciation for your own resilience and the strength it takes to face difficulties.

Read Your Letter Aloud: After writing your self-compassion letter, read it aloud to yourself. Allow the words to sink in and offer comfort.

This self-compassion practice can be a transformative step towards embracing your own imperfections and building a kinder, more compassionate relationship with yourself. Remember, it's okay to be human, to stumble, and to feel pain. By practicing self-compassion, you not only nurture your own well-being but also strengthen your capacity to connect with and support others.

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When We Don't Have Hard Conversations, We Have Hard Relationships: If You Are Lost, DEARMAN Is A Map.

Let's be real, having difficult conversations is hard! One of the reasons people avoid hard conversations and conflict in general is because in order to feel competent and skilled in challenging conversations we need to have the skillset, exposure, and practice.  Since most people answer "how did you handle the hard stuff growing up," say, "uh, we didn't really." or some version of indirectly if at all, there are generations of indiviudals who have gone their whole adult life not having effective, direct conversations.  If we don't have hard conversations, we will likely have hard relationships. Below is a breakdown, this framework gives you a map, a way to stay on track and opportunities to focus on the "I" perspective which supports hard conversations without blaming or activating defensiveness. These conversations will still be hard, but they will get less hard the more you have them.

DEARMAN is an acronym used to outline a communication skill set commonly employed in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). It is specifically designed to assist individuals in expressing their needs, desires, and boundaries effectively while maintaining healthy relationships. DEARMAN can be used in various situations, including:

1. Requesting: It helps individuals assertively and clearly express their requests to others. This can involve asking for support, accommodations, or specific actions from someone else.

2. Negotiating: DEARMAN aids individuals in navigating and finding mutually agreeable solutions during conflicts or disagreements. It promotes collaboration and compromise, enabling effective negotiation and problem-solving.

3. Setting boundaries: It assists individuals in communicating and enforcing personal boundaries, ensuring that their needs and limits are respected by others. DEARMAN can be helpful when addressing situations where boundaries have been crossed or compromised.

4. Expressing emotions: DEARMAN facilitates the expression of emotions in a constructive and assertive manner. It helps individuals communicate their feelings, concerns, or frustrations effectively without resorting to aggression or avoidance.

5. Making requests for change: DEARMAN can be utilized to advocate for personal or systemic change. It assists individuals in expressing their desire for change and addressing issues that impact their well-being or the well-being of others.

This is the nuts and bolts of DEARMAN, use this in your next hard conversation and make sure to let me know how it goes! 

🔹 Describe: Start by objectively describing the situation or issue at hand. Stick to the facts and avoid making assumptions or judgments. By setting a clear foundation, both parties can understand the context of the conversation.

🔹 Express: Share your feelings and thoughts using "I" statements. Articulate your emotions and experiences without blaming or attacking the other person. Honest self-expression fosters understanding and encourages a more empathetic response.

🔹 Assert: Clearly state your needs, wants, or boundaries. Be assertive, but also respectful. Communicate what you expect or desire from the conversation, ensuring that your message is heard and understood.

🔹 Reinforce: Reinforce your reasons and provide evidence to support your perspective. Help the other person understand the impact of the situation and why it is important for you to address it. Reinforcement helps build understanding and empathy.

🔹 Mindful: Stay mindful of your goals and the bigger picture. Avoid getting sidetracked by unrelated issues or personal attacks. Focus on the purpose of the conversation and keep your communication aligned with your intended outcomes.

🔹 Appear Confident: Exude confidence through your body language, tone, and words. This reassures the other person that you are serious and committed to resolving the issue. Confidence can create a positive environment for open and productive dialogue.

🔹 Negotiate: Be open to finding a mutually beneficial solution. Listen actively to the other person's perspective, and work together to find common ground. Embrace compromise and flexibility to reach a resolution that respects both parties' needs.

I encourage my people to write this out and get as comfortable with it as possible, you can even roleplay with your therapist or a safe friend. Good luck, you got this.

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