Breaking the Cycle of Self-Invalidation: 5 Tips for Fighting Back!

Validation is defined as “the act of making or declaring something officially acceptable; or recognition/affirmation that a person, their feelings, or opinions are worthwhile.”  In Dialectical Behavioral Therapy it is the acknowledgment of another's experience and feelings as having causes and therefore being understandable.  In other words, validation is: that makes sense, YOU make sense; I see you.  

A very common challenge I see everyday, is identifying and then challenging self invalidation. Very simply stated self invalidation is: “I don’t make sense, I shouldn’t be feeling this way. Who I am, the way I am is unacceptable to me.” Identifying self invalidation is very difficult because it is so much a part of people's common self-talk track and therefore is syntonic in their minds.  These thoughts are passing through without getting flagged, questioned or challenged.  The long term effects of self invalidation is shame. Rather than seeing our actions as being behaviors we wish we hadn't engaged in, we see our mistakes as being innate in us, pathological and unchangeable. This distinction matters in a major way. Guilt says, "I made a mistake," and shame says "I am a mistake."

Self invalidation looks like; “Why am I having such a hard time, I don’t know what my deal is.” Or as I like to tout, basically any sentence starting with “I need to just,” or “I should  just,” these sentences infer that if we could just try harder or take a simple action then everything would be different. This is almost never true, usually when we struggle it’s because something is getting in the damn way. The notion that we need to just try harder is a myth, and has never been responsible for being what actually changes peoples behavior. When folks really want something in their lives to be different and they are trying to make it so, the answer is not they aren’t trying hard enough, the answer is something is wrong.

Validation is an emotion regulation tool. To say, “of course I feel overwhelmed, this is overwhelming!” Can decrease distress and dysregulation.  Whereas invalidation increases distress, dysregulation, and isolation.

 HOW TO FIGHT BACK:

1. Observe your self-talk: Are you very self critical, judgmental, or place unrealistic expectations on yourself? Don't judge the judgment, practice usuing neutral language to shift the expereince to a less activating one.
2. Recognize and label invalidation: “I should” or “I need to just,” are clues that something invalidating is about to follow. When you hear these words you can say, "this is invalidating, I don't actually need to just do something I need to do a lot of somethings."
3. Replace: The invalidating thought or statement with a question. Be curious. Just because you may not understand why something is happening doesn’t mean it isn’t valid and coming from somewhere deep. Try to make sense of it. You know yourself, your history, your belief system, there is always a reason we experience the world in the way that we do. When we understand it we can actually change it at the root and impact effective changes.
4. Be Gentle: You are doing the best you can. Change, progress, and forward movement are not possible in a judgmental, abusive mind. Say, "I am handling this, this is hard for me."
5. Pass it on: Notice invalidation in your friends and family, encourage them to be mindful of their invalidating comments. Then you can fight back together, and support each other.  

Beyond Labels: Embracing Non-Judgment in a Judgmental World

Judgement is a topic I talk about a lot, and there are 4 important things we need to know when considering why judgment is hard to treat and how is functions and maintains itself in our lives.

1. Control: Judgment is like worry in that it feels a productive and gives us a sense of control. 
2. Protection: Judgment protects us from vulnerable feelings. Judgment is a thought process that keeps us in our heads and out of our bodies. It makes us feel distance from our emotions as we can intellectualize our experience from above rather than connect with it face to face. Softer feelings are hard for a lot of people to connect with, and judgment is a sure-fire way to stay just above the surface.
3. Connection: People who struggle with intimacy and have social anxiety use judgment and being judgmental of situations and people to manufacture connection and closeness. It serves as a commonality which gives people a sense of belonging. We can have judgment about this function, but it is something that happens a lot and serves a purpose that is very reinforcing.
4. A Break. We notice that people who are the most judgmental are usually the most self-judgmental people and struggle with harsh self-talk and expectations. The judgement of others acts as the only break they have from their own internal judgment.

 When we can see judgment as a behavior, something we do and engage in rather than as a characteristic or personality trait we can work with it. We can practice non-judgment and we can have compassion for all the ways judgement offers us valid reasons for its continued existence and appearance in our lives. We can notice the judgment and be curious, is there something I don’t want to feel right now? Am I feeling particularly self-critical today and need a break?

 Non-judgment is a critical practice in emotion regulation. When we consider the impact judgment has on the way we view reality, it is essential to our ability to see things clearly.  If we are looking at the goal of staying regulated, then being nonjudgmental is a key practice to staying in reality as it is.  If we can consider the use of judgment to essentially give us loads of dirty data that we then react to, it is a fundamental in our ability to discern and engage with life and relationships skillfully. Nonjudgment is a practice, be mindful not to judge your judgment too harshly.

Here are 3 ways you can start your practice today:

1. Track: Pay attention to your judgments. Notice how much of your day-to-day thoughts are judgmental. Then, don’t judge them. Labeling our thoughts as judgments brings the judgment into awareness where we can change it and modify our reaction to it.
2. Describe: when you are talking or thinking, use neutral descriptive language. Just the facts, as we say in Dialectical Behavior Therapy, we can stay in the reality of what is happening and out of what we think or feel about it. Narrate, describe, stay neutral.
3. Curiosity: Judgment is a lot like worry, it feels productive and serves as a protection against more vulnerable feelings. When we can notice the judgment as a flag to check in with ourselves and be curious about what we may be avoiding we can pause and say, “what is underneath?” or “Is there more to this?” or “What is going on for me?”

 Now, practice, practice, practice. 

Do Less. A Harm Reduction Guide for (not) Bingeing on Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is America’s normalized day for bingeing.  So, for those of us with eating disorders (active or recovered) or disordered eating habits, or let’s be real anyone. All of us could benefit from a harm reduction guide for navigating this Thanksgiving. We got this!

1.      Plan. Make a plan, any plan. Decide what your bottom lines are non-negotiables, green light foods and recovery behaviors are going to be.  Equally important, decide what you aren’t going to do: top 5 red light foods and stay away from behaviors. It is imperative that the planning is done in advance, think through the day; what may be challenging, possible triggers and then plan for how you will cope effectively with them. If you haven’t decided about the pie situation before you arrive, it will be exactly that… a situation.

Examples:

·      I am going to eat a balanced breakfast, only veggies for apps, fill my plate with protein and veggies and then a bite or two of stuffing and mashed potatoes.  If I want more, I will use my harm reduction plan to eat more veggies and check in with myself.

·      I am going to have whatever meal I want and no desserts.

·      I am going to focus on connecting and enjoying my company rather than the food. (And also have a plan for the food)

·      No purging no matter what

·      One plate, no dessert

*Most importantly, have a plan, think about it and visualize what you want to have happen and then you will be much more successful at being skillful than showing up and winging it. *

 2.     Meal regulate throughout the day. Eat every 3.5-4 hours. Eat a balanced breakfast and snacks throughout the day instead of “saving up” by not eating all day.  This is problematic for several reasons, mainly every restriction inevitably leads to a binge, and it gives false rationalization for eating in ways you aren’t going to feel good about later.  When you show up to a meal after not eating all day it is go time and for most people a set up for not wise minded food choices and impulsivity. You can still eat whatever you want to eat at Thanksgiving, you will just be much more conscious when deciding.

3.     Separate. Know your Apparently Irrelevant Behaviors (AIB’s) when you hear them. Its Holiday season, they are coming for you. In Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) we learn about, and look out for AIBs to help cope ahead with tricky impulsive or mood dependent behaviors. You may have guessed it; they are NOT irrelevant.  I always tell my clients the road to relapse is paved with AIBs.  The biggest problem with eating disorders is they speak to you in your own voice. If you can recognize exactly what it sounds like you can separate it and challenge it before you feel possessed.  The most common offenders are usually thoughts you think often, small seemingly innocuous thoughts that lead to you saying, “eff it, I’m going for it!” but later feel shame or regret.

Here are a few examples:

“It’s Thanksgiving!”

“I don’t want to be extra/high maintenance- it is tradition.”

“I haven’t eaten all day, so this is basically my one meal so…”

“I will make up for it tomorrow.”

“I will only have one”

“I need it, if you had my family, you would too.”

“I ran this morning so I can …”

Here’s the dirty truth about disordered eating, whatever circumstances you are dealing with that may be challenging, there isn’t any binge/shame cycle that isn’t just going to make it worse. The emotional eating rarely delivers on its promise and over time leads to a gnarly shame cycle that is very destructive and hard to get out of.

 4.     Tell the Truth to yourself about yourself. Have a mantra and use it, often. It is also helpful to call a spade a spade, when you hear the seductive sale of how good this will be/feel/taste, call it. It won’t be, it hasn’t been and it’s not going to be. For most of us that pre-problematic, romanticized “this is going to be fun” part doesn’t exist anymore. If what you need is connection or to let go and feel free, it doesn’t matter what that eating disorder says it can’t give you that, it works well to identify what you actually need and what the food is masking.

“There is always tomorrow, I am just not going to do eat this today.”

“This is just another Thursday.” 

“Just one meal”

“I can do this”

5.     Connection. Have an accountability buddy.  Recruit a friend or family member you can do this with. Decide and commit to each other your plan. Then check in about how you are doing/how you did.  Practice the hard stuff in advance.  If you are someone who has “enjoyed” holidays and celebrated with food in the past and you are anxious about navigating not eating sugar this year, know what you are going to say to family and friends in advance (i.e. I am doing a 30 day sugar detox, I had an allergy and dermatologist suggested I avoid sugar, I am full maybe later).

6.     Do less.  Ideally you want to have a solid plan and commit to following it 100% but its food and we are not perfect so having a harm reduction plan is key to succeeding here. If you slip up and fall off your scheduling programming, keep it moving. Sometimes being skillful is how quickly you recover from and forgive yourself for not being skillful.  It all counts.

7.     Urge Surfing. Just sit there. When you notice yourself veering from your plans, feeling strong cravings in a moment remember they will pass it. Cravings are episodic and will come and go. If you can distract yourself for 15-20 mins, they will pass all on their own.  Have a little coping kit of 3 things you will try first, before giving into the craving.

Go wash your hands in the bathroom.

Take 5 deep breaths.

Call a friend

Drink some cold water

Say your mantra

Sit on your hands.

8.     Be Kind.  You are doing your best. Navigating recovery and food is hard, it won’t be perfect.  Stay connected to your wise mind and don’t abandon yourself. When you cruise through Thanksgiving like a skillful badass, remember to be just as diligent on the day after Thanksgiving, see #1 again! We can do this.

I’m Terrible, Thanks for asking…

Am I right?  Is this the worst month yet?  I can’t complain as I have all the “life” things to be grateful for: beautiful healthy kids, a wonderful partner and a job that I love.  But it is the worst month yet isn’t it?

I have been talking a lot this summer about how to get through this next stretch of awful, and there is a certain piece of clinical naiveté when it comes to these unprecedented times, as well as, in general not gas lighting people or being invalidating about how tough being a human is right now.  I wish I had a skill for it, which of course I do, but that is for later. For now, can we just acknowledge we have hit the worst of the worse and are still here, fighting the good fight, but also the reason it has felt so hard is because it is. You are not alone, this is crazy, and we are going to get through this. Somehow.

Not to make it about me but also just so you know, my family moved, and within the first month our fridge and dishwasher both broke within a week of each other.  Having two kids under 4 and no fridge or dishwasher is literally such a perfect depiction of life right now. Here’s what we can do:

1.     Validate and be kind.  This is just that hard.  This being life, our current economic and political climate, the amount of heat and humidity that make being outside almost unbearable.  These are all vulnerability factors that make doing the day harder.  Throw on top the last 2 years of isolation and whatever COVID-isms you have picked up and we are starting with a cup that is not full, not half full, and we are thirsty.

2.     Don’t make it worse- When you don’t know how to make it better just don’t make it worse. Making it worse is being critical and hard on yourself for having a hard time, expecting impossible things from yourself or coping in ways that lead to shame or self-destruction that make reality worse.

3.     Don’t try too hard to make it better- here we are guys. Don’t make it worse but also don’t invalidate the struggle with a walk around the block or a whole30 to change the state of the world.  Don’t approach change by insisting you start a yoga challenge or quick fix solve to a complex multifaceted problem.  When trying to actually change something, be clear and specific and then start small.

4.     Find Joy- Find the things that give you joy, make you smile, or make you feel meaning.  These are tough times, and we must cling to the parts of the story that give us hope and energize our beings. 

5.     Connect- No one isn’t having a hard time.  This is my clinical opinion just speaking from experience.  The life circumstances we have had as a world over the last few years have put us in a unique place to connect to one another.  When someone reaches out, tell the truth about how things are, what you need, where you have found joy and what you are struggling with.

Tips for day-to-day coping:

1.     Wake up and have an uninterrupted mindful minute. The way we start the day matters

2.     Get enough sleep

3.     Set some limits around work and with your screens and stick to them. (Not having work email/slack on your phone, having a time when you stop checking email, taking 30 mins and going phoneless.)

4.     Make a daily goal of something specific that will have an impact on your mood. (I’ve done “No complaining” for several days and it makes a huge difference).

Reassurance Mantra: This will end. This is temporary.  I can handle this.

Energy, Burnout and the Myth of Balance: Surviving in the Pandemic Workforce

If you are noticing your employee’s seem burned-out, resentful, unsettled, or apathetic it’s probably because they are. To effectively re-energize the workforce, we need to shift the focus from getting more out of people, to investing more in them.  When they are motivated and feel valued, is when they can bring more energy and show up as more of themselves.

Reports say it is an “employee’s market” … not according to employees.

The things we are forced to choose between as American workers have been shifting since early 2000 but since the pandemic, the job market and work culture have led to the highest burnout rates we have ever seen. People are choosing their next job not for the work, but for the benefits, the culture, and the kind of manager they have.  The pandemic has tilted the work life balance beyond what the market can stand, and people are fully leaving the workforce without jobs lined up to break free and reset.  Time is finite and workers are desperate to get more of it.  The problem with money is we can’t take it with us, and if we could no one could pay enough for what the tradeoff is.

I am hearing things daily like:

“My job consumes everything,”

“I don’t even know what I like to do anymore,”

“I don’t have time for the things that really matter.”

My practice is made up of all types of demographics, from high level executives to direct workers, across the board the topic is burnout, unrealistic expectations, and work life imbalance.  Coming from someone who works for themselves, I understand it is not as black and white as this article may sound, and that job security and feeding our families is not a lighthearted topic nor one that has any one solution. This article is to highlight a BIG problem that needs even bigger solutions and some tips for managing in the meantime. 

 If you are an employee here what you need to know:

1.     Balance is a Myth. This is your life, there is never going to be balance. Figure out what’s important to you in your life and then prioritize little things every day that you can show up for.  This could be taking a FaceTime call with your grandson in the middle of the day, leaving the office early to have dinner with your kids or put them to bed 1 night a week. Let yourself be a person first 2 out of the 5 (6, 7) days you are an employee. Small changes can make a big difference.

2.     Turn it off. Decide when you are going to stop taking calls, checking email and slack and then hang it up.  It will all be there for you tomorrow. Find a way to unplug for the day, the work will never be “done”, and you will not be more productive tomorrow or the next day if you are burning it out every night. This type of work is ineffective, leads to resentment and is often, thankless.  Our work is important, we are important but none of it is that important and we need to invest more in our sustained energy and the longevity of our higher selves so we can keep perspective about what matters most and then have our actions align with our values. In short: there needs to be a time when you are not working and not available so you can just be in your life.

3.     Protect Your Energy: NYT article just came out stating that the most valuable commodity for highly successful people is energy.  Sustained energy only exists if we protect it.  Energy is a reciprocated resource, working in an environment of negative burned out people only takes energy. Seeing your kid light up when they see you, or your dog run up and slobber on your pants, moments of shared joy and connection, these are things that give us energy back. An article written in Harvard Business Review in 2007 describes energy in the workforce: 

“Time is a finite resource, but energy is different. It has four wellsprings—the body, emotions, mind, and spirit—and in each, it can be systematically expanded and renewed. For instance, harnessing the body’s ultradian rhythms by taking intermittent breaks restores physical energy. Rejecting the role of a victim and instead viewing events through three hopeful lenses defuses energy-draining negative emotions. Avoiding the constant distractions that technology has introduced increases mental energy. And participating in activities that give you a sense of meaning and purpose boosts the energy of the spirit.”

Quick and Dirty Energy boosts:

1.     No matter what is happening, take 30 mins for lunch. Step away, take a walk, eat a sandwich, breathe.

2.     Push away from your desk and take 3 mins to re-set. Check in with yourself observe your breath, observe anything you are holding onto, consider letting go of it, even just for the present moment.

3.     Jump up and down. Literally.

4.    5-year question. “Does this really matter? Will it matter in 5 months? 5 years?

5.     Have a mantra to help you help your tired burnout self:

“Life is short, this is my life.”

“It is enough, I am enough”

“Nothing crazy is going to happen.”

“I am one human, and this is my life”  

If you are an employer here’s what you need to know:

1.     F@#cking pay me.  At the end of the day people are often motivated by money and success and if you are expecting individuals to trade long hours and endless availability they need to be compensated fairly. Obviously, there are budgets that confine spending but when it is possible, it can make a huge difference.

2.     Acknowledge and Value the effort and its impact on their humanity and life. People are missing family dinner, putting their kids to bed, hanging out with their friends, showing up for special events and significant things daily because of the nature of their work.  The only thing worse than missing these things, is to miss them and for no one to even notice or comment on the work you are doing or its impact. Not to say people need to be constantly validated for everything but when someone is working hard notice them, acknowledge you see the trade in they are making, it makes a difference.

3.     It is still a global pandemic. People have just spent the last 20 months in a compact space managing more than can be expected (especially parents, especially mothers). Don't let that be lost on you. Make room for people to do their jobs efficiently and effectively in ways that work for their unique situation. I am looking at you in office mandates.  Work with people and talk to them, there are ways to make our workforce so much more humane and have direct impacts on quality of life and organization culture.

4.   Numbers don’t lie. There have been countless studies on workers motivation, productivity and general task completion being connected to less billable hours not more. The Corporate Executive Board found that people who have a good work-life balance are 21% more productive. In a Stanford University study from 2019, economics professor John Pencavel found that productivity per hour declines sharply when a person works more than 50 hours a week. “After 55 hours, productivity drops so much that putting in any more hours would be pointless.” Does anyone work 50 hours a week anymore? No.

 Bottom line: everyone has someone they are reporting to. Everyone is managing the best they can in a system that is broken, with no so protections for the quality-of-life factor for any of us.  The Harvard Business Review article quoted at the beginning of this article was published in 2007! We have been talking about this problem for 14 years and it has gotten worse and worse.  Instead of blaming or finger pointing let’s all try and make room for the collective humanity of the workforce. No one wants to be trading this much life in. The best way to influence the behavior and relationships to work for your employees is to model good boundaries and be consistent. It’s going to take a lot to shift the work culture back to a more manageable place and it is going to take everyone moving in that direction, together.