When We Don't Have Hard Conversations, We Have Hard Relationships: If You Are Lost, DEARMAN Is A Map.

Let's be real, having difficult conversations is hard! One of the reasons people avoid hard conversations and conflict in general is because in order to feel competent and skilled in challenging conversations we need to have the skillset, exposure, and practice.  Since most people answer "how did you handle the hard stuff growing up," say, "uh, we didn't really." or some version of indirectly if at all, there are generations of indiviudals who have gone their whole adult life not having effective, direct conversations.  If we don't have hard conversations, we will likely have hard relationships. Below is a breakdown, this framework gives you a map, a way to stay on track and opportunities to focus on the "I" perspective which supports hard conversations without blaming or activating defensiveness. These conversations will still be hard, but they will get less hard the more you have them.

DEARMAN is an acronym used to outline a communication skill set commonly employed in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). It is specifically designed to assist individuals in expressing their needs, desires, and boundaries effectively while maintaining healthy relationships. DEARMAN can be used in various situations, including:

1. Requesting: It helps individuals assertively and clearly express their requests to others. This can involve asking for support, accommodations, or specific actions from someone else.

2. Negotiating: DEARMAN aids individuals in navigating and finding mutually agreeable solutions during conflicts or disagreements. It promotes collaboration and compromise, enabling effective negotiation and problem-solving.

3. Setting boundaries: It assists individuals in communicating and enforcing personal boundaries, ensuring that their needs and limits are respected by others. DEARMAN can be helpful when addressing situations where boundaries have been crossed or compromised.

4. Expressing emotions: DEARMAN facilitates the expression of emotions in a constructive and assertive manner. It helps individuals communicate their feelings, concerns, or frustrations effectively without resorting to aggression or avoidance.

5. Making requests for change: DEARMAN can be utilized to advocate for personal or systemic change. It assists individuals in expressing their desire for change and addressing issues that impact their well-being or the well-being of others.

This is the nuts and bolts of DEARMAN, use this in your next hard conversation and make sure to let me know how it goes! 

🔹 Describe: Start by objectively describing the situation or issue at hand. Stick to the facts and avoid making assumptions or judgments. By setting a clear foundation, both parties can understand the context of the conversation.

🔹 Express: Share your feelings and thoughts using "I" statements. Articulate your emotions and experiences without blaming or attacking the other person. Honest self-expression fosters understanding and encourages a more empathetic response.

🔹 Assert: Clearly state your needs, wants, or boundaries. Be assertive, but also respectful. Communicate what you expect or desire from the conversation, ensuring that your message is heard and understood.

🔹 Reinforce: Reinforce your reasons and provide evidence to support your perspective. Help the other person understand the impact of the situation and why it is important for you to address it. Reinforcement helps build understanding and empathy.

🔹 Mindful: Stay mindful of your goals and the bigger picture. Avoid getting sidetracked by unrelated issues or personal attacks. Focus on the purpose of the conversation and keep your communication aligned with your intended outcomes.

🔹 Appear Confident: Exude confidence through your body language, tone, and words. This reassures the other person that you are serious and committed to resolving the issue. Confidence can create a positive environment for open and productive dialogue.

🔹 Negotiate: Be open to finding a mutually beneficial solution. Listen actively to the other person's perspective, and work together to find common ground. Embrace compromise and flexibility to reach a resolution that respects both parties' needs.

I encourage my people to write this out and get as comfortable with it as possible, you can even roleplay with your therapist or a safe friend. Good luck, you got this.

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Breaking the Cycle of Self-Invalidation: 5 Tips for Fighting Back!

Validation is defined as “the act of making or declaring something officially acceptable; or recognition/affirmation that a person, their feelings, or opinions are worthwhile.”  In Dialectical Behavioral Therapy it is the acknowledgment of another's experience and feelings as having causes and therefore being understandable.  In other words, validation is: that makes sense, YOU make sense; I see you.  

A very common challenge I see everyday, is identifying and then challenging self invalidation. Very simply stated self invalidation is: “I don’t make sense, I shouldn’t be feeling this way. Who I am, the way I am is unacceptable to me.” Identifying self invalidation is very difficult because it is so much a part of people's common self-talk track and therefore is syntonic in their minds.  These thoughts are passing through without getting flagged, questioned or challenged.  The long term effects of self invalidation is shame. Rather than seeing our actions as being behaviors we wish we hadn't engaged in, we see our mistakes as being innate in us, pathological and unchangeable. This distinction matters in a major way. Guilt says, "I made a mistake," and shame says "I am a mistake."

Self invalidation looks like; “Why am I having such a hard time, I don’t know what my deal is.” Or as I like to tout, basically any sentence starting with “I need to just,” or “I should  just,” these sentences infer that if we could just try harder or take a simple action then everything would be different. This is almost never true, usually when we struggle it’s because something is getting in the damn way. The notion that we need to just try harder is a myth, and has never been responsible for being what actually changes peoples behavior. When folks really want something in their lives to be different and they are trying to make it so, the answer is not they aren’t trying hard enough, the answer is something is wrong.

Validation is an emotion regulation tool. To say, “of course I feel overwhelmed, this is overwhelming!” Can decrease distress and dysregulation.  Whereas invalidation increases distress, dysregulation, and isolation.

 HOW TO FIGHT BACK:

1. Observe your self-talk: Are you very self critical, judgmental, or place unrealistic expectations on yourself? Don't judge the judgment, practice usuing neutral language to shift the expereince to a less activating one.
2. Recognize and label invalidation: “I should” or “I need to just,” are clues that something invalidating is about to follow. When you hear these words you can say, "this is invalidating, I don't actually need to just do something I need to do a lot of somethings."
3. Replace: The invalidating thought or statement with a question. Be curious. Just because you may not understand why something is happening doesn’t mean it isn’t valid and coming from somewhere deep. Try to make sense of it. You know yourself, your history, your belief system, there is always a reason we experience the world in the way that we do. When we understand it we can actually change it at the root and impact effective changes.
4. Be Gentle: You are doing the best you can. Change, progress, and forward movement are not possible in a judgmental, abusive mind. Say, "I am handling this, this is hard for me."
5. Pass it on: Notice invalidation in your friends and family, encourage them to be mindful of their invalidating comments. Then you can fight back together, and support each other.  

Beyond Labels: Embracing Non-Judgment in a Judgmental World

Judgement is a topic I talk about a lot, and there are 4 important things we need to know when considering why judgment is hard to treat and how is functions and maintains itself in our lives.

1. Control: Judgment is like worry in that it feels a productive and gives us a sense of control. 
2. Protection: Judgment protects us from vulnerable feelings. Judgment is a thought process that keeps us in our heads and out of our bodies. It makes us feel distance from our emotions as we can intellectualize our experience from above rather than connect with it face to face. Softer feelings are hard for a lot of people to connect with, and judgment is a sure-fire way to stay just above the surface.
3. Connection: People who struggle with intimacy and have social anxiety use judgment and being judgmental of situations and people to manufacture connection and closeness. It serves as a commonality which gives people a sense of belonging. We can have judgment about this function, but it is something that happens a lot and serves a purpose that is very reinforcing.
4. A Break. We notice that people who are the most judgmental are usually the most self-judgmental people and struggle with harsh self-talk and expectations. The judgement of others acts as the only break they have from their own internal judgment.

 When we can see judgment as a behavior, something we do and engage in rather than as a characteristic or personality trait we can work with it. We can practice non-judgment and we can have compassion for all the ways judgement offers us valid reasons for its continued existence and appearance in our lives. We can notice the judgment and be curious, is there something I don’t want to feel right now? Am I feeling particularly self-critical today and need a break?

 Non-judgment is a critical practice in emotion regulation. When we consider the impact judgment has on the way we view reality, it is essential to our ability to see things clearly.  If we are looking at the goal of staying regulated, then being nonjudgmental is a key practice to staying in reality as it is.  If we can consider the use of judgment to essentially give us loads of dirty data that we then react to, it is a fundamental in our ability to discern and engage with life and relationships skillfully. Nonjudgment is a practice, be mindful not to judge your judgment too harshly.

Here are 3 ways you can start your practice today:

1. Track: Pay attention to your judgments. Notice how much of your day-to-day thoughts are judgmental. Then, don’t judge them. Labeling our thoughts as judgments brings the judgment into awareness where we can change it and modify our reaction to it.
2. Describe: when you are talking or thinking, use neutral descriptive language. Just the facts, as we say in Dialectical Behavior Therapy, we can stay in the reality of what is happening and out of what we think or feel about it. Narrate, describe, stay neutral.
3. Curiosity: Judgment is a lot like worry, it feels productive and serves as a protection against more vulnerable feelings. When we can notice the judgment as a flag to check in with ourselves and be curious about what we may be avoiding we can pause and say, “what is underneath?” or “Is there more to this?” or “What is going on for me?”

 Now, practice, practice, practice. 

Do Less. A Harm Reduction Guide for (not) Bingeing on Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is America’s normalized day for bingeing.  So, for those of us with eating disorders (active or recovered) or disordered eating habits, or let’s be real anyone. All of us could benefit from a harm reduction guide for navigating this Thanksgiving. We got this!

1.      Plan. Make a plan, any plan. Decide what your bottom lines are non-negotiables, green light foods and recovery behaviors are going to be.  Equally important, decide what you aren’t going to do: top 5 red light foods and stay away from behaviors. It is imperative that the planning is done in advance, think through the day; what may be challenging, possible triggers and then plan for how you will cope effectively with them. If you haven’t decided about the pie situation before you arrive, it will be exactly that… a situation.

Examples:

·      I am going to eat a balanced breakfast, only veggies for apps, fill my plate with protein and veggies and then a bite or two of stuffing and mashed potatoes.  If I want more, I will use my harm reduction plan to eat more veggies and check in with myself.

·      I am going to have whatever meal I want and no desserts.

·      I am going to focus on connecting and enjoying my company rather than the food. (And also have a plan for the food)

·      No purging no matter what

·      One plate, no dessert

*Most importantly, have a plan, think about it and visualize what you want to have happen and then you will be much more successful at being skillful than showing up and winging it. *

 2.     Meal regulate throughout the day. Eat every 3.5-4 hours. Eat a balanced breakfast and snacks throughout the day instead of “saving up” by not eating all day.  This is problematic for several reasons, mainly every restriction inevitably leads to a binge, and it gives false rationalization for eating in ways you aren’t going to feel good about later.  When you show up to a meal after not eating all day it is go time and for most people a set up for not wise minded food choices and impulsivity. You can still eat whatever you want to eat at Thanksgiving, you will just be much more conscious when deciding.

3.     Separate. Know your Apparently Irrelevant Behaviors (AIB’s) when you hear them. Its Holiday season, they are coming for you. In Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) we learn about, and look out for AIBs to help cope ahead with tricky impulsive or mood dependent behaviors. You may have guessed it; they are NOT irrelevant.  I always tell my clients the road to relapse is paved with AIBs.  The biggest problem with eating disorders is they speak to you in your own voice. If you can recognize exactly what it sounds like you can separate it and challenge it before you feel possessed.  The most common offenders are usually thoughts you think often, small seemingly innocuous thoughts that lead to you saying, “eff it, I’m going for it!” but later feel shame or regret.

Here are a few examples:

“It’s Thanksgiving!”

“I don’t want to be extra/high maintenance- it is tradition.”

“I haven’t eaten all day, so this is basically my one meal so…”

“I will make up for it tomorrow.”

“I will only have one”

“I need it, if you had my family, you would too.”

“I ran this morning so I can …”

Here’s the dirty truth about disordered eating, whatever circumstances you are dealing with that may be challenging, there isn’t any binge/shame cycle that isn’t just going to make it worse. The emotional eating rarely delivers on its promise and over time leads to a gnarly shame cycle that is very destructive and hard to get out of.

 4.     Tell the Truth to yourself about yourself. Have a mantra and use it, often. It is also helpful to call a spade a spade, when you hear the seductive sale of how good this will be/feel/taste, call it. It won’t be, it hasn’t been and it’s not going to be. For most of us that pre-problematic, romanticized “this is going to be fun” part doesn’t exist anymore. If what you need is connection or to let go and feel free, it doesn’t matter what that eating disorder says it can’t give you that, it works well to identify what you actually need and what the food is masking.

“There is always tomorrow, I am just not going to do eat this today.”

“This is just another Thursday.” 

“Just one meal”

“I can do this”

5.     Connection. Have an accountability buddy.  Recruit a friend or family member you can do this with. Decide and commit to each other your plan. Then check in about how you are doing/how you did.  Practice the hard stuff in advance.  If you are someone who has “enjoyed” holidays and celebrated with food in the past and you are anxious about navigating not eating sugar this year, know what you are going to say to family and friends in advance (i.e. I am doing a 30 day sugar detox, I had an allergy and dermatologist suggested I avoid sugar, I am full maybe later).

6.     Do less.  Ideally you want to have a solid plan and commit to following it 100% but its food and we are not perfect so having a harm reduction plan is key to succeeding here. If you slip up and fall off your scheduling programming, keep it moving. Sometimes being skillful is how quickly you recover from and forgive yourself for not being skillful.  It all counts.

7.     Urge Surfing. Just sit there. When you notice yourself veering from your plans, feeling strong cravings in a moment remember they will pass it. Cravings are episodic and will come and go. If you can distract yourself for 15-20 mins, they will pass all on their own.  Have a little coping kit of 3 things you will try first, before giving into the craving.

Go wash your hands in the bathroom.

Take 5 deep breaths.

Call a friend

Drink some cold water

Say your mantra

Sit on your hands.

8.     Be Kind.  You are doing your best. Navigating recovery and food is hard, it won’t be perfect.  Stay connected to your wise mind and don’t abandon yourself. When you cruise through Thanksgiving like a skillful badass, remember to be just as diligent on the day after Thanksgiving, see #1 again! We can do this.

I’m Terrible, Thanks for asking…

Am I right?  Is this the worst month yet?  I can’t complain as I have all the “life” things to be grateful for: beautiful healthy kids, a wonderful partner and a job that I love.  But it is the worst month yet isn’t it?

I have been talking a lot this summer about how to get through this next stretch of awful, and there is a certain piece of clinical naiveté when it comes to these unprecedented times, as well as, in general not gas lighting people or being invalidating about how tough being a human is right now.  I wish I had a skill for it, which of course I do, but that is for later. For now, can we just acknowledge we have hit the worst of the worse and are still here, fighting the good fight, but also the reason it has felt so hard is because it is. You are not alone, this is crazy, and we are going to get through this. Somehow.

Not to make it about me but also just so you know, my family moved, and within the first month our fridge and dishwasher both broke within a week of each other.  Having two kids under 4 and no fridge or dishwasher is literally such a perfect depiction of life right now. Here’s what we can do:

1.     Validate and be kind.  This is just that hard.  This being life, our current economic and political climate, the amount of heat and humidity that make being outside almost unbearable.  These are all vulnerability factors that make doing the day harder.  Throw on top the last 2 years of isolation and whatever COVID-isms you have picked up and we are starting with a cup that is not full, not half full, and we are thirsty.

2.     Don’t make it worse- When you don’t know how to make it better just don’t make it worse. Making it worse is being critical and hard on yourself for having a hard time, expecting impossible things from yourself or coping in ways that lead to shame or self-destruction that make reality worse.

3.     Don’t try too hard to make it better- here we are guys. Don’t make it worse but also don’t invalidate the struggle with a walk around the block or a whole30 to change the state of the world.  Don’t approach change by insisting you start a yoga challenge or quick fix solve to a complex multifaceted problem.  When trying to actually change something, be clear and specific and then start small.

4.     Find Joy- Find the things that give you joy, make you smile, or make you feel meaning.  These are tough times, and we must cling to the parts of the story that give us hope and energize our beings. 

5.     Connect- No one isn’t having a hard time.  This is my clinical opinion just speaking from experience.  The life circumstances we have had as a world over the last few years have put us in a unique place to connect to one another.  When someone reaches out, tell the truth about how things are, what you need, where you have found joy and what you are struggling with.

Tips for day-to-day coping:

1.     Wake up and have an uninterrupted mindful minute. The way we start the day matters

2.     Get enough sleep

3.     Set some limits around work and with your screens and stick to them. (Not having work email/slack on your phone, having a time when you stop checking email, taking 30 mins and going phoneless.)

4.     Make a daily goal of something specific that will have an impact on your mood. (I’ve done “No complaining” for several days and it makes a huge difference).

Reassurance Mantra: This will end. This is temporary.  I can handle this.