Do Less: How to Halt the Glorification of Busy by Finally Allowing Enough to be Enough.

Are our unrealistic expectations of ourselves and over-functioning behaviors the very catalyst for maintaining our "not enough" self-states? I'm sure many of you are familiar with the saying, "Put on your own oxygen mask first."  It is one of those sayings that we say to each other when offering unsolicited advice about someone else's over functioning, people pleasing, or self-sacrificing behaviors.  Although in practice, many of us do not adhere to this sound advice. It makes since considering we wear "busy" as a badge of honor, so the more you have going on and the more people counting on you, theoretically, the more important you are.

Brené Brown says, "We are so busy that the truth about our lives can't catch up."  In a lot of ways "busy-aholism" is a very effective, yet maladaptive coping strategy. If we are too busy to slowdown and pay attention to our intuition, bodies, emotions, things our environment is communicating to us, and the impact of our unavailability, is it even real? If I am too busy to acknowledge how not fine I am, aren't I fine? No, it's real, and will rear its head in indirect, painful, sabotaging ways. 

Bottom line: The glorification of busy is not a sustainable model! Turns out, there is a limited supply of psychic, physical, mental, spiritual, and relational energy. Our energy is our most valuable asset, we must support each other in prioritizing alignment of our inner and outer worlds because even if we don't subscribe to this belief, the objective truth is THEY ARE THE SAME WORLDS. 

People: Do whatever you got to do to protect your energy, it’s sacred and in limited supply. We have been talking a lot over the last week about burnout and feeling tapped out trying desperately to fit it “all” in, and noticing increased vulnerabilities surrounding our tendency to just push harder.  Here's the equation:

We all have 100% energy to expend each day, unless you are a parent, or a caretaker, or a human, so likely none of us are starting each day with 100%. Everything is connected so if you are operating in the model described above you are running on fumes the latter half of your day which impacts your energy the following day.  Notice your give-get ratio, the things on your calendar that you want to do vs. the things you feel you "should" do.  If you have a lot more shoulds than wants you are heading down the road to burnout. 

• 100% - 10% For disrupted sleep, evening anxiety about tomorrow, self-judgment about not doing more the day before, sick kids, sick dog, expired milk. 
• 90% - 10-20% For morning commute, making lists for the day, early morning meetings that are frustrating or not what you expected, spilled coffee, cold weather, etc.
• 70-80% - 20% For workday, life, emotional labor, people pleasing, not saying what you actually mean or want to say, and any other added stressors impacting your workday.
• 50%- On an ideal day, when we have 100% energy we are half way done before we do anything other than our bare minimum responsibilities.  
• Subtract additional 10% each added non-essential activity; meeting friends for drinks, going to the gym, conversation with family members, taking care of children, showing up for friends shows, concerts, parties, after work networking or work related events. 

Once the energy is gone, it is gone. What most of us do is carry on anyway with the rest of our obligations by "pushing" through, which leads to burnout, emotion minded behaviors and feeling not enough, never enough. We can re-up and recharge with self-care practices, however ironically self-care is usually the first thing to go when we can’t “fit” it all in.

Prioritizing Return on Investments:

If I have 20% energy left where so I want to spend it? If we start operating with the belief that once the energy is tapped out it is gone, our decision making may be more aligned with things we value. 

1. You are the product: Taking care of your energy is necessary for anything and everything else.
2. Do one thing at a time: Being one minded about your tasks means staying in the moment, not multi-tasking and completing one thing at a time. Break your day into manageable slices of time.
3. Throw away the all or nothing attitude: There is actually quite a bit of gray within the black and white.  If you didn't do EVERYTHING it doesn't mean that you suck, letting good enough be enough. If you can't do EVERYTHING can you do something, what can you do? 
4. Your Best is Enough: Be Kind to yourself, you are doing the best you can.  
5. Slowdown and check-in with yourself: My therapist calls it the "give-o-meter" how do you know when you are running low on giving juice? My old answer was "Um, I have a meltdown?" That's not effective! Notice how your energy levels are feeling before committing to one more thing.  Give yourself permission to say, "I'll get back to you, I'd love to but I have a lot on my plate today." 
6. You can change your mind: Say "No", make adjustments, reschedule, make room for balance.  Remember progress not perfection. 
7. We are all in this together: Validate your people when they take care of themselves.  Reinforce skillful give-get relationships by communicating honestly and directly with safe people in your life.  This is a practice, we aren't going to do it perfectly, leave room for people to be imperfect including yourself.

Why Our “Help” isn’t Very Helpful: What’s Missing in the Generation of Fixing and Problem Solving

“Don’t worry about it, you’re fine!” says the well intentioned helpful, yet invalidating friend. When I teach Validation to my clients I start with a story: I am out with a friend having dinner, we order coffee at the end of the meal and when my friend goes to reach for her cup, she spills coffee all over the table, and herself.  My friend starts franticly grabbing for napkins and says, “Oh my gosh, this is terrible, I want to go, I am so embarrassed, I can’t even believe I did that, oh my gosh.” I turn to my group and say, “Okay, if I want to validate my friend, what do I say? How do I handle this?”  90% of the time people will say, I’d say; “Don’t worry about it,” or “It’s ok, it’s just a little coffee,” or “It’s not a big deal” or “It’s not that serious, it’s totally fine.” Obviously, the intention behind these comments is to try and make my friend feel better, and less embarrassed.  The problem with these comments is that they are quite invalidating. YIKES, your help isn’t helpful. 

Validation is defined as “the act of making or declaring something officially acceptable; or recognition/affirmation that a person, their feelings, or opinions are worthwhile.” In Dialectical Behavioral Therapy it is the acknowledgment of another's experience and feelings as having causes and therefore being understandable. In other words, validation is: that makes sense, YOU make sense; I see you.  To say to someone, it isn’t a big deal, or don’t worry about it when they are really worried about it, and to them it is a huge deal, invalidates their experience.  

Invalidation makes difficult situations worse. Validation would look like saying something like, “I am sorry you are embarrassed,” or “I bet, I would feel the same way if I were in your position,” or “I get it, it is embarrassing.”  Usually, the person will very quickly come to their own conclusion if they notice they are overreacting or acting in an imbalanced way to the set of circumstances at hand. The big problem with invalidation is so much of the time it is unintentional, and in fact is meant to be helpful or make someone feel better.  In my practice, people show me every day that they are doing the absolute best they can with the tools and coping skills they have, and if they had more effective strategies they would do even better.  I think about validation like a magic bullet, I joke with my groups that once you validate someone’s experience you can pretty much say anything else, once people feel seen and heard, disagreements or challenges seem to land much softer.  

I remember years ago, my now husband saying something that, to this day I was so shook by.  We were having a conversation about something important and he finished saying his part, and without skipping a beat I immediately went into “helping” by offering suggestions, giving him ideas, action plans, etc.  He said, “Meghan, you didn’t even acknowledge what I said.” I was so taken aback since I was right in the middle of my award-winning helping shining moment, and as a trained therapist obviously had no doubts about my listening or empathy skills.  This moment was humbling. Of course, it mattered to me that my partner felt invalidated, and I realized in that moment that I often do a “silent” validation, meaning I reason a person knows I assume the best about them, and am on their team, etc… Then I go straight into the important part of fixing. Turns out, I had it backwards.  The important part is the validation, the problem solving and fixing is secondary, and honestly people are much more capable of solving their own problems because they have a better handle on the big picture than others do.  It is the worst when you are talking to someone about a challenge you are facing and they start throwing platitudes of low hanging fruit “solves,” things you already thought of days ago and passed over because they weren’t solutions or they were overly simplistic. “Why don’t you just…” Hey helper, that isn't helpful! 

So, one of the many important lessons my marriage has taught me: even if someone knows we care, assume the best about them, and always have their backs, sometimes they still need to hear us say it out loud. This happened before I was trained in DBT and learned that there is a significant difference between empathy and validation. Marsha Linehan, Ph.D. the researcher who developed Dialectical Behavioral Therapy as well as the 6 levels of validation believes it is impossible to overestimate the importance of validation. 

Attention Helpers- What to try instead:

1. Validation Level One: Being present.  Listening to someone in a supportive nonjudgmental way. Staying present when someone is in pain is difficult, a lot of folks are uncomfortable with other people's difficult emotions, sitting and listening to someone without trying to fix, change or control their experience is very powerful.
2. Validation Level Two: Accurate Reflection: Demonstrate that you are listening and hear them by paraphrasing or repeating back their feelings, thoughts, assumptions or behavior.
3. Validation Level Three: Mind reading:  Reading a person's behavior or your knowledge of this person to find the subtext or what they aren’t saying out loud but may be feeling. (Check in with them about it, you may be wrong.) “I am guessing that you may also be feeling” or “Underneath that I bet you may also be feeling”
4. Validation Level Four: Behaviors based on history: We react to the world based on our life experiences and biological wiring, assuming if someone is having an emotional reaction there is a reason or a cause even when the reaction is not one you relate to or identify with. Identifying why it makes sense for this person given their history or biology that they may react in a certain way.
5. Validation Level Five: Normalization: Reacting to the current situation as anyone in this position would. Identifying with someone's experience because it makes sense to you, in other words if you were in this situation you would be having a similar experience.
6. Validation Level Six: Radical Genuineness: Be sincere and mean it. This one required consistency and trust, this means treating someone like an equal and a human who is capable of figuring this out.

Validation level four is a sure thing, even if something doesn’t make sense to you, can it make sense to you knowing who this person is that they would be having this experience and it makes sense to them? I believe everything we do has a distinct meaning, we come by our beliefs and our world-views honestly, it doesn’t mean we are always right or justified in our actions or reactions but we have clear reasons that drive our human experience, everything is connected. It is possible to validate someone’s feelings without validating their behavior.  For example, if Johnny threw a chair at the teacher because he was angry you can say, “I can see you are very angry, you have reasons to be feeling the way that you do and, it is not ok to throw chairs or act out our anger in violent ways."  

9 Step Survival Guide for Coping Like a Boss This Holiday Season...

“If you think you’re enlightened, go spend a week with your family.
-Ram Dass”

I’m going to say it; the holidays and family are a lot. They were a lot before Trump became President, they are on a whole new level of a lot this year. Since November 8th, I have had many conversations with clients and friends about how difficult it is to understand the divide after the election. How does one metabolize that their values and politics are so different than the people they learned about values and politics from?  It’s one thing to be angry and judgmental of that “somebody” out there in middle America who voted for Trump because they are “ignorant, uneducated, or racist,” but what happens when the somebody is your mom, dad, favorite uncle, sweet grandma? Where do you put that? I don’t know! But here are some tips on coping with the holidays…

1. Agree to Disagree: Perhaps we can accept that Thanksgiving, Christmas Day, Hanukkah, and other holidays may not be the most effective time to hash out political differences.  Setting limits as a family beforehand can be a helpful, productive way to navigate this murky landmine. For example, deciding as a family that politics are off the table, agreeing to help each other stay on track by holding everyone accountable and letting anyone attending the celebrations know in advance your home is a politics-free zone.  The holidays are already often loaded with emotions running high, this may just not be the time or the place. That doesn’t mean having these conversations isn’t crucial to staying connected to yourself, your values, and your family, so definitely do make the time.
2. Don’t judge yourself: Criticizing yourself, resisting reality, or invalidating your emotional experience only makes things worse.  When we feel shame, self-judgment, and guilt for the emotions we are having we create additional suffering.  Even if you don’t like the emotions you are having, or wish you weren’t having them: you are. Accepting yourself completely as you are and validating the emotions you are having as having valid causes helps to give us ownership over our experience.  Often, we say things like “Be positive, everything is going to be great!” That may not be true and your soul knows it. “I shouldn’t feel anxious about going home, I am lucky I have a family, I have so much to be grateful for.” It is likely true that you have so much to be grateful for, AND you’re anxious, dude! One doesn’t cancel out the other. Allowing ourselves to be where we are and validating our experience decreases suffering, while judgment and criticism or trying to demand ourselves to feel different than we do increasing our suffering.
3. Have a wing(man/woman/human): Family can be challenging; did I already say that? Having an ally, a trusted friend or partner can help quell the stress and anxiety.  Guest holiday goers are great buffers too! People are usually more generous and more self-preserving with there is an outsider at the dinner table.  It is also helpful for accountability, having someone who knows you in your adult self may make regressing into your 16-year-old self less likely, and/or accessible. Friends are also validating, it is helpful to have someone around to reality check your experience with, for example “that was crazy yeah?” or “Was I out of line when I responded in that annoyed way to my dad after he asked me to explain gender pronouns again, for the 10th time?”
4. Have an Overall Objective: How do I want to leave this holiday feeling about myself, my family, and my behavior? Having an overall outcome that supersedes all other petty quips, frustrating moments, or difficult interactions is a complete game changer.  It is your north star guiding your highest self to remember the objective even when mood, other people, or unforeseen circumstances make justified anger look desirable. Think about how you will feel after you have gotten through this holiday and crushed it, let that drive your commitment when there is let’s call it, interpersonal bait?
5. Have an Exit Strategy: We are planning for a successful holiday season here people, by using these simple but not easy strategies, and we are not in control of anyone by ourselves.  Having an exit strategy even if you never use it, helps increase feelings of autonomy and confidence while decreasing anxiety and worry. Have a car, or a cab number on hand, and a plan for bowing out gracefully if need be.
6. Walk Through the Worst-case Scenario: Coping ahead is about imaging all the things that could potentially be difficult, go wrong, or get in the way, and then coming up with ways to effectively deal with them.  We visualize ourselves getting through these difficult experiences and have a plan for if they happen, which surprisingly takes a lot of the power away from the worry thoughts.  I will often ask people what they are most worried about happening, what the worst-case scenario might be, and they don’t know.  In their minds, it is just bad, real bad.  Taking time to really think through it in a tangible way not only makes the worry specific rather than global, it also works to create exposure to the worry by thinking about it in a practical way. So let’s go there, the thing happens, now what? People are often surprised by how skillful they can be while imaging coping with this scary situation. I also always ask people to rate on a scale from 1-10 how likely is it that this will happen as a way to reality check the worry and the intensity by measuring probability.
7. Don’t Wing it! Have a plan and know your limits. Know how long you’re staying, what you plan to do while visiting, and any activities you have in mind; “groupthink” family activities are a recipe for conflict. I usually suggest using the 48hr rule with family events, even when I am at hour 47 and I’m like, this is great, everyone is getting along so well, I don’t want to leave.  Without fail, come the 48hr mark it’s time to go. I also have a great family who I adore and thoroughly enjoy spending time with.  If you are flying over multiple states you may need to adjust this and use another strategy like breaking up your time by seeing friends, day trips, or group activities.
8. Self-Care on the Road: There is a very interesting experience people have when travelling or adapting to a new environment which is daily practices often fall off. It’s interesting from a mental health perspective because we need self-care even more, not less, when we are adapting, out of our comfort zones, around sometimes intense historical triggers or on the road in a constant state of flux. Our self-care may be the only constant, and a really effective way to stay grounded. I usually suggest committing to 3 daily practices, journaling, meditating, checking in with yourself, exercising, taking breaks, schedule time to be alone, going for a walk, connecting with your spirituality, and connecting with your people.
9. Be Brave, Be Generous, Be Kind: You are doing the best you can. Your family, however limited some folks may be, are doing the best they can too.  Showing up to these events or showing up in other ways that are meaningful to you is both joyous, and at times painful.  Some people choose to spend the holidays with their family of choice, some people don’t have family to spend the holiday with, everyone has a different experience.  This is a time of year where there’s a spotlight on what you have, and things you may not have or wish were different in your life.  Be gentle with yourselves and with each other. Life is a lot, we are all in this together.

Why it Makes Sense We Are SADer This Winter and What We Can Do About it.

Sessional Affective Disorder (SAD) also referred to as seasonal depression is characterized by increased depressed mood, low energy, losing interest in activities, feelings of hopelessness, and heightened anxiety. Seasonal depression is in full swing folks, so if you are feeling low or particularly blue for “no reason” you are not alone and it is not for no reason.

How not alone are you? Researchers estimate 2-10% of the population are affected by SAD, and as much as 20% of the population reports feeling tired or sad with fewer hours of daylight in the winter months.   The factors that impact an individual’s likelihood of developing SAD are: climate, individual mental health status, family history, genetics, and gender.  Women are actually four times more likely to experience SAD. The winter lull is caused in part by a biochemical imbalance People with SAD experience a significant dip in serotonin levels, which are the neurotransmitter responsible for libido, appetite, sleep, mood and memory.  Daylight savings also affects our circadian rhythms which are another factor impacted due to the changes in sunlight patterns.

One of the contributing factors we look at when assessing changes in mental health are referred to as vulnerability factors. These are physical, economic, social and political factors that determine people's levels of vulnerability and the extent of their capacity to resist, cope with and recover from adversity. People have different vulnerabilities depending on their biology, social supports, resources, and general worldview.  Vulnerability factors look at what makes an individual more vulnerable to emotions, distress, or maladaptive coping during one period and not another. There are vulnerabilities that are constant such as race, gender, ethnicity, disabilities, poverty, and disparity in access to resources. And then there are individual daily vulnerabilities like being hungry, being in a fight with your best friend, not getting enough sleep, illness, it’s raining, you’re “having a day,” the holidays, being hungover, etc. Why on Tuesday was it more difficult to tolerate life and cope effectively than it was on Saturday?  The answer is increased vulnerability factors.

Donald Trump is a great example. When he was elected president, the 53.6% of us that didn’t vote for him received another built in daily vulnerability factor. The way I explain vulnerability factors to my clients is to imagine they have a tolerance cup. There is only so much life and distress a person can handle without the cup filling up and spilling over.  During the day, we can empty our cup by using self-care practices, being skillful, addressing things that are within our power to change, and not avoiding showing up for commitments that will lead to feeling shameful.  Vulnerability factors impact how full your cup is at the gate. For example: It is Monday, you ate a lot of cake last weekend, it’s November and you are experiencing SAD, you feel nervous about a presentation at work, the holidays are coming up and family is stressful, you are tired, and Trump.  Your cup is more than half way full before you even start the day. You don’t have a lot of space for more life before you spill over. You are much more vulnerable this Monday to emotion minded reactivity than you were on Friday.

What Can we do about it?

1. Self-Validate: First things first, it makes so much sense! We are having a normal response to some seriously abnormal circumstances. Of course we are heavier hearted this winter it is darker, colder, drearier, and rather depressing out there.  Our news cycles are dysregulating and outrage inducing on a regular basis and just when you think it can’t get any more outrageous, it just gets worse. Yeah, I am SADer. Of course I am. I am normal.
2. Maintain Your Routine AND Accept Where You Are: It is more difficult to wake up and go to spin class or go hang out with friends after work when its dark at 6am and 4pm.  Winter activates the impulse to hibernate. Mood dependent behavior is tricky; we make decisions based on the mood we are in at the time. Unfortunately, in the winter months our moods say “Nope” a lot. Maintaining structure and routine especially with activities that are reinforcing like exercise, socializing, and self-care, keep our moods up and counteract the impulse to isolate.  Also, we may need more sleep and have lower energy levels, that is okay too.  Be mindful of your limits and how they change.  What may be a person’s baseline at one time, may be drastically or subtly different in another.  It’s okay, accept where you are, it is only temporary. Do your best to maintain routines and don’t judge yourself if you are operating at a lower frequency on some days.
3. Work it Out: Exercise is a way to naturally release endorphins and serotonin, which increase feelings of happiness and euphoria. Exercise is a widely-regarded treatment for depression and overall mental health. For some individuals, exercise is comparable to therapy and anti-depressants. When we are exercising we typically feel more energy and our immune system also improves, so this a win-win-win.
4. Have Something to Look Forward to: We need little spurts of “joy” things we can look forward to and recall when days get particularly heavy and SAD. Have a vacation planned for February or March, a friend’s weekend, a family get together with kids and delicious food. It doesn’t have to be costly or grandiose, it can be simple. In fact, the best things in life are simple. If you have a trip planned, make it a sunny one, those who suffer from seasonal depression benefit from additional sunshine.
5. Slow Down and Get Grateful: Practicing yoga, meditation, mindfulness and breathing changes neural networks and reduces stress. Connecting in some way to the vastness of the universe and the notion that everything is connected has been proven to reduce feelings of powerlessness and increase feelings of acceptance. The importance of spirituality in mental health is now widely accepted and is proven to increase individuals’ ability to cope with stress and adversity.  Practices such as meditation, morning gratitude lists, prayer, and radical acceptance are a few of my favorites.
6. Limited Exposure: We cannot control A LOT of things, but we can choose how we engage. It is difficult when erratic, outrageous things happen not to behave in impulsive ways and react in the moment. We must be intentional with the content we let in and be responsible gatekeepers for our mind and energy. Set aside a social media time, give yourself a time limit and stick to it. Then when it is not the allotted social media time, you are on a social media break. Stick to it. Feelings fade over time if they are not re-stimulated. Think of every time you read an article, repeat a story, engage in conversation as re-firing. It is important to talk about it, and it is important to protect yourself and your energy.
7. Impermanence: When things are “bad” remember this too shall pass, and when things are “good” remember this too shall pass. Everything is temporary. Be present in moments of joy without worrying about when the joy will end, or thinking if you feel this joy then something bad will inevitably happen.  Joy will pass all on its own, as will pain and sadness and any other emotion we have.  That is gift of impermanence, don’t attach to anything. Everything is going to change.  Bask in moments of joy. Don’t make feelings bigger and don’t push them away.
8. Shed a Little Light: Spend time outside. The fresh air and daylight are good for SAD symptoms. Light Boxes and light therapy are also effective and typically work in a short time.  Quick fix, yes please! Light therapy mimics outdoor light and affects brain chemicals linked to mood and sleep. Make sure to consult with a doctor and get specifics about symptoms and side effects.

4 Novice Hacks for Connecting to Your Higher Self

Our higher self is the essence of who we are before all the life happens to us. Our purest self is a beautiful thing, and we are all still our best when we are tuned in to this self state. In Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, we call this our wise mind, also known as one’s intuition, best self or higher self.  First things first, when we are feeling at our lowest, the most disconnected versions of ourselves we must remember we have a higher self, a wise mind, and it is with us, always. Everyone has a wise mind, we are all born with our higher self, although for many of us, life may rough them up a bit. Over time, we cover up, bury, avoid, and lose touch with our higher selves. Here are four hacks for practicing accessing our higher selves and getting reacquainted with our better halves. 

1. Stop and Observe: When you notice you are feeling reactive or impulsive, and you’re about to “do” something, quick don’t! Take a second to pause and notice what’s going on inside, are you feeling threatened, afraid, judgmental, insecure? Are you feeling shame and therefore about to double down on protecting yourself and hardening? 
2. Get Quiet and Wait: Tune in, focus all your senses inward. Listen, pay attention to your intuition, your gut. Pro tip: It is helpful to think what you might suggest a friend or a little sister might do in your situation. Ask yourself: What do I want to happen here? What is my objective? Tune in again, and listen. Then wait, you will know what to do when you know what to do.
3. Consider: If you are really disconnected from your wise mind and aren’t even sure where they are or if they’d still show up if you called on them, imagine them. Imagine your wise mind is one of poise and grace (it is) and consider, what would I do if I was in wise mind? What would wise mind say? Remember this is the best, most enlightened, highest version of yourself.  If your wise mind says call your friend and tell them they are an asshole, that isn’t your wise mind. You get it.
4. Risk: We are stubborn beings, we need to have exposure to experiencing ourselves in wise mind and seeing how differently we experience ourselves and our circumstances. The more practice we have tuning in and accessing our wise mind, the more effective and at peace we are. Can you imagine feeling absolutely sure about your decision making most of the time; sure you made the right decision? That is wise mind. 

Learning to trust ourselves is a practice, learning discernment and prioritizing takes a lot of trial and error, and then waiting. A common phrase in my life is, “I don’t know, I will get back to you when I feel more wise minded about it.” The wise mind test question is “can it wait?” if the answer is “No, I have to do this thing right right right now,” then it is not your wise mind.  Sometimes the ability to do nothing, is everything.